Saturday, September 25

From SoSH: Re: 9/25: NY v. Bos: Vasquez v. Wakefield

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Yes, yes Jose knows last night didn’t go as planned. Yes, yes Jose was incredulous that Eurona left Pedro in to pitch the eighth. Yes, yes it felt eerily similar to Game 7 of last year’s ALCS. Jose knows all of these things, but he also knows something else – IT WAS NOT THE SAME!!!

This was not the ALCS, Eurona is not Gump, and this game was not a bellwether no matter how much the local mediots would like to pretend it is. Eurona may not have made the right decision last night, but he made it on the basis of actual information about matchups, pitch counts and performance. By contrast, Grady always seemed to make decisions on the basis of whim.

Contrary to popular belief, we did not get mugged last night. We got mugged in Game 7. It rattled us; it shook us up; it left us feeling wary and scared and sensitive. As a result, when we see something that looks a little similar, it’s deeply upsetting, even if it is completely different. In other words, we got mugged last October, so when we see someone get mugged on TV now, it brings back all of the old memories and makes us nuts, even thought there’s no one holding a switchblade demanding our wallets. But you know the funny thing about this kind of stress? Sometimes it makes people a little crazy. It make them go looking for the mugger with a baseball bat. And do you know what they do when they find them? Revenge. Sweet revenge.

2. Jose is pretty BS after last night’s debacle. And you know what that means? Yup, he’s going to take it out on Tony Castrati.

What TC says: "The fans scolded him, the way they would have scolded Grady Little if he ever had been allowed to return. "

What TC means: See they should have brought Grady back. Same difference. That guy was so cool.

What TC says: "Terry Francona made the wrong decision at the wrong time against the wrong opponent"

What TC means: If I was managing, I would have made the wrong decision at the right time against the wrong opponent. That would have been way better.

What TC says: "So what do Red Sox officials do now, fire this manager, too?"

What TC means: You can’t fire the reporters so fire the manager. Go ahead…you fired Grady for it so you can’t be hypocrites now. I mean it’s not like Grady was an awful game manager who was chronically underprepared long before game 7 or anything.

What TC says: " Francona had nothing to do with that . . . until now."

What TC means: Last night’s game opened a rift in the state time continuum that allowed Eurona to travel back in time to Game 7, where he had one mission – to stop Grady Little. But instead, he just looked at him and said. "That’s some good managing Grady."

What TC says: "In the end, the damage here is minimal."

What TC means: But the sky is still falling down.

What TC says: "And those who forget history are condemned to repeat it."

What TC says: You know, I completely forgot about World War I. I mean, I know it existed, but I don’t know what happened or who was in it. It thing that means there is gonna be another big war between some countries, some place about something soon, maybe between Mexico and Peru or something.

3. After last night’s debacle. Pedro Martinez made a puzzling comment. According to the Globe he said "I just tip my cap and call the Yankees my daddy." That sound really weird and almost defeatist, if you don’t know that Pedro calls the Toronto Blue Jays "Mommy," The Chicago White Sox "Ramon," and the Seattle Mariners "Jesus."

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

Friday, September 24

From SoSH: Re: Sept 24 - No more Mister Nice Guy

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose watched the game last night from the glamorous .406 Club where Jose is pretty sure the four beers he drank cost more than his watch. Despite the Sox loss, this visit to the .406 club went far better than Jose’s previous visit. At least this time no one got fired. Jose’s only other appearance there was in 2001 at a Sox-Yankees game, and the coworker who brought him was fired for abusing client relationships. Jose went undisciplined. Actually, Jose is pretty sure that they’d wanted to get rid of the guy for a long time and this was their excuse. (Note: Could the Sox use this as an excuse to axe Dale Sveum?

Henry: You used your influence to go to a ballgame.

Sveum: Um…I work at the games.

Henry: That’s no excuse, you’re fired. Go home.

Sveum: You’re sending me home for no good reason.

Henry: Now you know how it feels.)

Jose went as the guest of SoSHer Lefty on the Mound, who also took the hint that John Henry would not, and gave Jose a ticket in order to increase the chances of a Sox win to 80 percent. (Note: Jose got his playoff ticket rejection today. Good to see, they’re taking the playoffs seriously.)

Now Jose knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Jose the Sox have lost the last two games you’ve attended. Are you bad luck now? Should I take the playoff tickets I was planning to give you and give them to orphans instead?”

No! There are two perfectly reasonable explanations either of which should make you feel good about giving Jose tickets. First, the last two games Jose went to, both losses were the only two times this year Jose sat in elite seats, the .406 Club and on the monster seats. So when Jose sits with the people in the bleachers or right field, the team is 9-1. Jose is, after all, a man of the people.

The second, and far more likely possibility is that since Jose was on to a new cycle of ten, he had two losses to spend, and he just spent one. In other words, since the Sox went 8-2 in Jose’s first 10 appearances, they will go 8-2 in the next ten. Since they are now 0-1, that means they will go 8-1 in the next nine Jose attends this year. Therefore, if they lose tonight (Note: Jose will be in the bleachers) any other game Jose visits this year is a sure thing!!! Don’t bother checking with a statistician, just trust Jose on this. It’s not like he failed his Statistics 112 final. (Note: He got a D+. Stupid Analysis of Variance.) So send along those offers.

Unfortunately, Lefty on the Mound had a really bad cold last night and left around the 5th, leaving Jose do watch the game with two Dominican brothers, both named Manny, who work with Lefty and have a brother named Ranier who plays A Ball in Billings, Montana for the Reds. This means that when they visit their brother. He can introduce them “Hi, I’m Rainer, this is my brother Manny and this is my other brother Manny.” But clearly, Jose watched the game with two Dominican brothers and not two clearly insane people. (Note: He did watch an insane person pitch for the Sox, however.)

Today Lefty on the Mound is one of JOSE’S PEOPLE.

(Image of Lefty and his father playing catch.

(Voiceover) “Lefty on the Mound used to play lots of ball. That was back when breathing came easy. But on September 23, something went horribly wrong.”

(shift to footage of lefty hacking)

All of a sudden, even watching the game he loved to play became a burden to heavy for one man to bear.

As his Bronchia spasmed, so did the pitching of his beloved Red Sox.

(Cue footage Tejada launching a missile up over the monster. Cue song “Leaving on a Jet Plane”)

His score card unfinished, his peanuts uneaten, Lefty left the game he loved at the midway point, simply unable to fight off the illness that was overtaking him.

(Cue shot of empty seats, fade to pair of baseball gloves lying in a back yard, unused.)

Today Lefty is recovering, but the game can never be recaptured, the events can never be undone, and the pain, it lingers, lingers like smoke, lingers like the taste of garlic, lingers like BK Kim fastball, always there just below the brave face he puts on.

That’s why Lefty on the Mound is one of JOSE’S PEOPLE.

(Note: Maybe this KEY can’t be of the highest quality, but it can at least be far too long!!!)

2. Today Jose begins what may become a weekly feature, the Eric Kneel Neighborhood Watch. The idea is that just like a real neighborhood watch, we work together to make sure nothing is stolen.

What Eric Kneel says: “The difference between good snarky (Jon Stewart) and bad snarky (Dennis Miller)”

Who Eric Kneel should have cited: Daniel Manus Pinkwater author of The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death,” and “The Snarkout Boys and the Baconburg Horror.

What EK says: “A guy's got to be good. Numbers count.”

Who EK should have cited: Bill James, Eric Van, that weird guy of Duquette’s with the alligators, Karl Rove and possibly this bookie named Bruno.

What EK says: His name means "friend of God,"

Who EK should have cited: Jesus, Buddah, Zoroaster, Zeus, Allah, Thor, Kevin Youkilis.

What EK says: “Meanwhile, the Page 2 MLB All-Star team organizing committee (which is pretty much just me) has made it clear that a recount is out of the question”

Who EK should have cited: Katherine Harris, the U.S. Supreme Court.

What EK says: “The Vladi Daddy, whose every thing, from bow-legged walk to tar-burnished batting helmet, is a Page 2 All-Star teamish sort of thing par excellence.”

Who EK should have cited: Every pretentious guy who tries to make things sound more emphatic by using French phrases.

What EK says: “The guy had the endorsement of North Dakota's governor”

Who EK should have cited: North Dakota Governor John Hoeven, potentially Governor Umlaut.

What EK says: “Fans who, if given the chance, will rip your heart out of your chest and grill it with onions, butter and a touch of garlic.”

Who EK should have cited: Julia Child. That is a Julia Child recipe, was a Julia Child recipe and will always be a Julia Child recipe. Just because she’s dead doesn’t mean you can just take it, and pass it off as your own, and with the Betty Crocker cook off just weeks away.

(Note: Eric, Seriously, good column, especially the part about Michael Barrett. Oh God, did Jose offend you? He did, didn’t he? Oh no, oh no, oh Dear God no.)

3. It’s always good to see Major League Baseball protecting the integrity of the game by banning senile old men like Johnny Pesky from the bench. Jose only wishes they had ban them last year at this time. Then Grady wouldn’t have been there for the playoffs. (Note: Johnny Pesky is awesome, Jose just needed to set up the Grady joke.)

In related news, the right field foul pole has been renamed Selig’s stick.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

Thursday, September 23

From SoSH: 9/23 - BAL @ BOS

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Last night Sox second baseman Euro Bellhorn (Note: Who is not a looker. Jose can’t believe women find him attractive.) broke two of baseball’s greatest records. He became the Red Sox single season strike out king and the major league single season switch hitting strike out king.

But where was the celebration? Where was the sign on the green monster counting up as Bellhorn inched closer to the magic numbers of 161 and 162? Where were Butch Hobson’s children hugging Bellhorn, with tears in their eyes, knowing that their father had been almost erased from the record books. From now on, their father is the Sox strike out king no more. The only records Butch Hobson holds now is the most Sox games managed while high on cocaine. (Note: And Jose has doubts about that one. All of the signs certainly suggest Grady was on crack last year.) Why didn’t Bellhorn have a special glove with 161 and 162 embroidered on them? Why didn’t Special K cereal or Kmart sponsor the event? Why wasn’t the game stopped so the commissioner could present Bellhorn with a K car? Why didn’t the Bills invite him to Buffalo to run the K Gun offense? Why is there no parade down K street in Southie?

And Belhorn’s accomplishment is special. In this day and age, when so many records are tainted by allegations of steroid use, no one has suggested that Bellhorn used performance enhancing drugs to help him strike out more often. Baseball is supposed to be the sport, more than any other, that honors its records and its history. Last night that didn’t happen, and it’s just sad.

2. Speaking of records, Jose set a record for opening day merchandise sales yesterday with 0.00. That’s right, Jose didn’t even buy his own stuff on Day 1. KEYS MERCHANDISE Pretty sweet, huh? Since that is the lowest possible number, Jose can never be expelled from the record books. Interestingly, those sales figures are identical to Keith Foulke’s ERA for the rest of the year. Spooky.

3. How amazing was Orlando Cabrera’s performance last night? He went from Bogota to Boston, to hero in one day with his walk off homer in the 12th. That said, there will be a price to pay. Apparently his wife was not happy with his decision to leave her side, but The OC, our hero, was willing to risk a life time of resentment to save the Red Sox. All in all, Jose thinks it was a good trade off. (Note: Though some one needs to explain jet lag to him. It is not something one gets on a trip from Columbia to Boston, as they are in the same time zone. One of Jose’s bosses tried this once. She was frazzled at a meeting and said, “I’m sorry I’m not completely organized, I just flew in and have a little jet lag. “Boss,” Jose replied. “Jose is almost sure that Miami is in the same time zone as Boston.” In related news, Jose had a hard time getting promoted at that company.)

But what’s more amazing still, is that in addition to playing shortstop for the Sox tonight, Cabrera also appears to be pitching for the Orioles, if Jose is to believe the papers. After all, there couldn’t be more than one Cabrera in baseball right? Right?

I'm Jose Melendez, (and not two clearly insane people) and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

Wednesday, September 22

From SoSH: 9/22 - BAL @ BOS

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Good news!!! Jose has a snazzy new logo that should not warrant a cease and desist order. That means that you can now get genuine Jose Melendez gear off of the blog. You know, if you want to.

1. Jose saw the lengthy Globe story on the Red Sox scalping crackdown and it made him sad. Not sad that the Red Sox are trying to halt scalping, while Jose has bought a ticket or two from a scalper, he generally hates the business, but sad that on a day when the Museum of the American Indian opened in Washington D.C., we still use an American Indian reference to describe such a despicable practice. In protest, Jose will now refer to reselling tickets at higher value as “ticket killing off entire peoples with smallpox, stealing their lands and forcing them onto reservations,” or “Ticket Custering” for short and people who sell these tickets will be referred to as “Custers.”

2. The Red Sox finally did it; they made Jose shout an obscenity in his mother’s ear. Jose was on the phone with his mother when Foulke gave up the go ahead homer. “MOTHER F*CKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jose yelled. His mother had not realized he was watching the game while they chatted until that point. After about 30 seconds of being surprised and perhaps a little appalled (Note: Though Susan Melendez has been known to use a little coarse language herself) she replied, “You’re watching the Red Sox aren’t you.” Of course, if you know Jose that was an easy guess.

The only other thing that could have made Jose scream the MF word would have been if he’d seen John Kerry on TV vowing to take as much abuse as possible or John Bradshaw Layfield made WWF champion. (Note: What, the second one happened? Mother f--).

3. The final Jerry’s list is of Clearly Insane Jerry’s, and it only has two, rather than one.

1) Jerry Sizzler
2) Jerry Sizzler

Bonus mojo to anyone who knows why this list exists. (Note: Not that Jose believes in mojo.) And no Googling it.(Note: Jose knows these KEYS are short and blah, but that’s the kind of day it is…well, long and blah actually, but the point holds.)

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

Tuesday, September 21


Good news!!! KEYS merchandise is back on line with a new logo that can't possibly piss off Jose's beloved Red Sox.

Check it out at

From SoSH: Re: 9/21 – BAL @ BOS

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. This was supposed to be the KEY where Jose told you about how an act of kindness secured a Sox win last night. This was going to be where Jose told you of how a SoSH poster named lushess255 took the hint that John W. Henry would not and gave Jose the ticket needed to secure victory last night, giving freely, asking nothing more than beer and chicken wings in return. But they screwed it up. A bases loaded walk, a sour pickle and the Sox bowed. That said Jose would like you all to remember that the Sox are still a robust 8-2 in games attended by Jose , so Jose will be accepting offers of free tickets from here on in from John Henry or anyone else who would like an 80 percent chance of a Sox victory.

Instead, Jose presents this first installment of Jose’s People. A look at the people whose lives have been touched by KEYS, in a style stolen from Kent’s People/Bart’s People from the Simpsons. (Note: If you say you’re stealing something it’s not illegal/wrong. Right? Right?)

(Voiceover) “ A passionate Red Sox fan, lushess255 has been to 30 games this year.”
(Cue crack of the bat and roaring crowds)
“But what happens, when the crowds…go quiet.”
(Cue violin)
“After his beloved Red Sox fell to the Yankees last Sunday, lushess255 was inconsolable. The clicking of the keyboard, the only interruption in his symphony of disappointment. Another shot at a division title…gone…
(Cue “Where Have All the Flowers Gone,” image of Sheffield homer run.)
“But in the age of the Internet, one can never truly suffer alone.”
(Cue Bonds 700th Image)
“Jose Melendez’s observation that Barry Bonds’ record breaking Home Run would be like Ben Johnson’s 100m victory”
(Fade to Johnson)
“Or Rosie Ruiz’s Boston Marathon win”
(Fade to Rosie,)
“Threw a life preserver to lushess255 and pulled him out of his ocean of despair.”
(Cue Stars and Stripes Forever fade to image of Jose and lushess255 in shaking hands in front of a waving American Flag)
“And that’s why lushess255 is ONE OF JOSE’S PEOPLE.”

2. So Jose’s merchandise got yanked yesterday for too closely approximating the Red Sox logo. Jose disagrees with this assessment, but he can understand cafepress’s desire to avoid frivolous lawsuits. But it is okay, as Jose is working with new logos that should be up in a day or two. It is ironic that this act of censorship comes as the Red Sox face their own lawsuit suggesting that they are too closely approximating a playoff team. If you’re having trouble telling them apart from an actual playoff team, just look closely for the shoddy workmanship. Also, don’t buy baseball team’s from alleys or basements in Chinatown, those are almost assuredly pale imitations of playoff teams. (Note: Yes, Jose knows he shouldn’t be so negative, and he isn’t really, but he is just plain grumpy about last night’s game, and three straight awful starts.)

3. Put the children to bed, and send off the feint of heart. Here come the evil Jerrys:

1)Jerry Falwell
2)Jerry Lewis
3)Jerry Springer
4)Jerry MaGuire
5)Jerry Tarkanian
(Were his players at Fresno really arrested for robbing someone with a Samurai sword?
6)Elbridge Gerry
(Inventor of the Gerrymander, though Gerry has a hard G)
7)Geri Haliwell (aka Ginger Spice)
8)Jerry Jones
9)Jerry Bruckheimer
10)Jerry Williams (The miserable talk radio host)

Coming tomorrow: A surprising third list of Jerrys

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

Monday, September 20


So Cafepress is doing some verification on the logos. They may feel that it is too close to the Red Sox logo. (Note: It is not.) Jose will let you know when this has been resolved.

From SoSH: Re: 9/20 - Beat Baltimore

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Before we enter your regularly scheduled KEYS, Jose is pleased to inform you that, by popular demand, KEYS T-shirts and other junk are now available. Jose will not sully the game thread with advertising, but all those interested should check out the blog.

1. Apparently, Sox pitcher BK Kim has entered Bad Teammates Anonymous. According to Herald scribe Jeff Horrigan, Kim had to apologize to the team’s pitchers and catchers for his shameful behavior as a condition of being called up from Pawtucket. Reportedly, before taking this step, Kim had to admit that he had a problem with being a bad teammate, and accept that he would have to focus on not being a bad teammate one day at a time. Kim will also be required to listen to testimonials from other bad teammates, describing how much their life has improved since they stopped sulking, ignoring instructions and flipping off fans.

How long Kim remains a bad teammate in recovery remains to be seen. While the programs numerous success stories receive little fanfare, its failures, notably Albert Belle and Ruben Rivera have been high profile.

2. Why don’t we bring back the Tony Castrati translator for today?

What TC says: “The New York Yankees have a better bullpen and a better lineup, and they have a better manager, too.”

What TC means: They’re invincible I tell you, invincible. I mean, we’re barely over .500 against them.

What TC says: “Curt Schilling will become what Martinez once was, a single ace against a deck stacked with kings.”

What TC means: I’m trying to catch on to the poker craze, but I still don’t quite understand the rules, and I certainly don’t realize that an ace and four kings is a kick ass hand.

What TC says: “Entering the weekend, since the start of the 2002 season, Lowe and Martinez have combined for 102 victories, more than any teammates in baseball during that span.”

What TC means: But that was then this is now. Two games is a much more meaningful sample size than two hundred.

What TC says: “Now in his eighth major league season and eligible for free agency at the end of the season, even Lowe admitted he ‘looked like a rookie.'”

What TC means: I am going to take completely out of context Lowe’s endorsement of a new facial cream that melts years away and makes one “look like a rookie.”

What TC says: Then Martinez went out yesterday and turned in an effort that could just as easily have come from Pedro Astacio, who swabbed the deck.”

What TC means: I heard on NPR that Sunday was “National Talk Like a Pirate Day” and am doing my best with naval analogies.

What TC says: “Yet regardless of what happens inside the cocoon of the two-team AL East, the Red Sox suddenly have bigger problems to worry about.”

What TC means: Panic room was on TV last night and it inspired me.

3. Since the Red Sox are playing a team that includes Jerry Harriston Jr., and Jerry Remy is, as always, calling tonight’s game, Jose Melendez is proud to present the top 10 Good Jerry’s of all time. Jose would like to thank his friends Dan and Noah who originally took on the Herculean task of ranking all Jerry’s, and then let Jose in on the work. (Note: You may remember the list of Vladimirs form earlier in the year, but the Jerry’s are where this began. In fact, a list has been on a bulletin board in the Melendez family kitchen for 10 years, though new Jerry’s have come on to the scene since then so it’s been adjusted.

1. Jerry of Ben and Jerry's

2. Jerry Remy

3. Jerry Stiller (Note: He used to be higher before “King of Queens.”)

4. Jerry Buscher (5th Fugazi member)

5. Jerry "the King" Lawler

6. Jerry Garcia

7. Jerry Only (member of band 'the Misfits')

8. Jerry Brown (The former CA Governor and Oakland mayor, not the former Major Leaguer.)

9. Gerry Ford

10. Jerry Seinfeld

Tomorrow, the evil Jerrys!!!

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

Sunday, September 19

KEYS TO COMMERCE - Sept. 19, 2004

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO COMMERCE.

1. You asked for it you demanded…and Jose delivers. Yes, Jose is whoring himself out worse than Roger Clemens, though without the, you know, treason. Behind this little link

lies your source for all manner of appalling KEYS TO THE GAME merchandise. T-shirts, hats, mugs and more still to come. Go on take a look, heck even buy something. And remember all of the profits go to the Jose Melendez Foundation (Note: Literally, to pay for repairs to the foundation of Jose’s house. Okay, that was a lie, Jose rents. Jose’s keeping the profits? Are you happy? Though actually, a little kickback will go to his aunt and ace graphic designer Carol Melendez) And keep coming back for more. One of these days Jose might just add an "I’m Jose Melendez and Eric Kneel is my b*tch T-shirt." Jose bets that would be a big seller.

Jose must confess, this is a little weird for him; he doesn’t have an e entrepreneurial bone in his body. On the other hand, if it doesn’t make any money, can it really be considered entrepreneurship?

2. Jose is also thinking about starting to sell customized sets of birthday KEYS. Jose has written these for loved ones over the course of the season, no big deal. Then he saw an ad promoting customized improv shows for corporate occasions. This got Jose thinking. If loser improv comedians can do shows based on corporations they don’t work at, why couldn’t a loser blogger write birthday KEYS for people he doesn’t know? Jose figures that for $30, he could write a KEYS style poem and two additional birthday KEYS based on customized information sent by the purchaser. It’s the perfect gift for any of Jose’s insane minions. Jose hasn’t really set up a Paypal account or anything like this to actually make this possible yet, but if you’re interested email Jose at and we’ll figure something out. (Note: Jose is not holding his breath on this one.)

3. Jose is also planning to release a book version of the 2004 KEYS TO THE GAME once the season ends in late, late October (Note: You’d better believe it.) Keep looking here and at Jose’s shop after the World Series for details.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO COMMERCE.

From SoSH: Re: 9/19 Pedro's kung fu is strong

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Okay, so Jose thinks we can all agree that yesterday did not go quite as planned. In terms of conforming to the plan (a 5-3 Sox win) yesterday’s game was right up there with Michael Dukakis’ plan to capture the presidency and George W. Bush’s vow to return integrity to the White House. (Note: Or if one wants to get away from politics, it was up there with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan’s plan to end Hulkamania forever or Electro’s plan to kill Spiderman.)

If the Yankees are McDonald’s, as Jose suggested, then yesterday was the day they gave us burgers chock full of the rich intriguing flavor of E. coli, because they just killed us. That said, there’s a funny thing about forcing tainted meat down people’s throats -- it tends to result in lawsuits. So watch for your subpoena’s Yankees, because you all are getting served.

How bad did things get yesterday? Jose agreed to leave the game in the fifth inning (Note: This isn’t the measure of how bad it was, anyone would have stopped watching once it was 13-0) to go to a crafts store called Michael’s with the Melendezette. And, get ready for this, he did it without complaint. Yup, the game was so bad, that going to a super store plaza in Everett to buy cake decorating materials seemed like a good idea. (Note: Admittedly, the notion that it might result in actual cake’s being made was intriguing. The Melendezette is working today, so let’s hope this game is a lot more entertaining because if it isn’t Jose will have no one to spend the day antiquing with.

2. This just in. Carl Pavano is a d*ck. According to Gordon Edes, the Florida hurler who has established himself among the premiere free agent pitchers on the market this year, left four tickets for the much maligned Steve Bartman when Florida visited the Cubs last week. Isn’t this just an insane amount of piling on? This poor SOB can hardly be blamed for the fact that the Cubs let the next three runners reach, and then blew the final two games with their best pitchers on the mound. Unless, of course, you believe in the mystical powers of livestock.

On the other hand, this act of meanness gives Jose an idea. Next year, when the Red Sox make their first appearance at Yankee Stadium, remind Jose to leave some tickets for John Stiglitz of Oyster Bay New York. Jose will not elaborate. Okay, maybe he will elaborate a little bit. Let’s just say Jose looked into his crystal ball and saw that Mr. Stiglitz will become quite unpopular with Yankees fans this October.

3. In a rare non-Red Sox KEY, Jose would like to say that Barry Bond’s 700th home run is an unbelievable accomplishment. It now even seems probable that he will break Hank Aaron’s home run record. Whether you like Bonds, or hate him like most people, when he hits that record breaking home run, you, Jose and every one else will have no choice but to sit back and give the man his due. We will have to concede "This was an accomplishment for the ages. Not since Ben Johnson shattered the record for the 100 meter dash at the 1988 Olympics has one sportsmen had such an extraordinary achievement. Truly this rivals Rosie Ruiz’s victory in the Boston Marathon."

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.