Wednesday, February 23

2/23/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. New Red Sox beat writer Chris Snow earned accolades in yesterday’s KEYS, a rare feat for the "legitimate press," for providing multiple sources of humor in his Red Sox Notebook. But Snow’s success should come as no surprise to those who have Jose’s familiarity with the famous Toronto reggae scene. Snow shocked the record industry in 1993 with his hit song "Informer," off the album "12 Inches of Snow." It was a catchy little number about "licky boom boom down," which is apparently some kind of fruit candy. Unfortunately, his track record suggests that a second critically acclaimed notebook is unlikely for the "Canadian Vanilla Ice."

2. Today was a special day. Jose found a copy of the Boston Herald (Motto: Still Marginally More Accurate Than the Enquirer.) (Note: Apologies to Dave Barry for stealing the motto bit) on a table at a Dunkin’ Donuts in Brockton, and that means that he got to read the latest news on college booze hounds and the names of the children of celebrities in actual paper and ink. (Note: Jose’s absolute favorite celebrity kid name is…oh wait Jose doesn’t care at all. Never mind.) To be honest Jose is shocked, and sort of disappointed, that the Herald has not yet started having a "page 3 girl" in the paper every day. Here, in this most European of American cities, one would think there would be room for that.


Getting a print copy of the tabloid also means that Jose had a rare opportunity to look at the sports section as it actually appears in the paper. Frankly, Jose was a little concerned. The stories on the back page of the Herald were:

"Truth: Foul on Kobe: Pierce ‘disappointed’ that Bryant dragged Shaq into scandal"

"Late Balloting: Canseco offers to give Greenwell ’88 MVP award"

"New World Order: Yankees trying not to concern themselves with rival Sox"

"Pool Bonanza: Pre-Season Sale, FREE Installation on Caribbean Pools Only"

Yeah. Jose was a little bit shocked and a little bit saddened too. After all, this is the back page/sports section front page of a tabloid newspaper in a major metropolis. And it seems a little bit inappropriate, and yes, a little bit bush league to have something like that right there with the major news of the day. And besides it’s late February. Seriously, what business does a basketball story have being on the back page at this time of year. Come on Herald…it’s time for baseball…or at least baseball related spring training activities.

3. Okay, okay, these are KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING and not KEYS TO THE BOSTON NEWSPAPERS, so Jose should probably put in at least one KEY that is directly connected to the great sport of baseball. So here’s Jose’s shot.

In between laying down reggae licks, Chris Snow reported today that Yankees owner George Steinbrenner sent Red Sox owner John W. Henry a congratulatory note during the off season. KEYS TO THE GAME has obtained an exclusive copy of that note and will make it public here for the very first time.
Dear Mr. Henry,

Congratulations on winning the World Series . WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I WANT IT. IT’S MINE. HOW COME YOU GET TO HAVE IT??? WAAAAAAAAA!!!! I PAID FOR IT. WAAAAAAAAAAA!!! GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Yours in Christ,

George Steinbrenner

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

3 comments:

Chili said...

My problem with the Herald is that my hands smell like cod after I finish with it.

Anonymous said...

Jose,

You're "letter" from Steinbrenner probably alienated you from the Evangelical vote, thereby completely destroying your chances at the Presidency of this great nation.

However, it was really funny.

So my question is ... Was it worth it?

Anonymous said...

It's mine, dammit.
- Christ