Saturday, February 5


It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

I. Well, it seems like Jose has been able to make it to just about as many Super Bowl events in Jacksonville as Bill Simmons. Apparently, getting to them from Boston is almost as inconvenient as getting to them from anywhere in Jacksonville. (Note: After reading Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback, Jose realized that since it is the Super Bowl the KEYS should have roman numerals. Thanks TMQ!)

The big news yesterday was that Socrates of Route 1, Bill Belicheck refused to touch the Vince Lombardi Trophy for a photo shoot yesterday. Apparently, Belicheck didn’t want to jinx the team or be presumptuous by touching the trophy without actually having won. Jose knows exactly how he feels. When they cut the promos for this year’s Pulitzer Prize Awards ceremony, Jose refused to touch the Pulitzer Prize, pose with the Pulitzer prize or even talk with the selection committee. Jose is pleased that the committee has respected his superstition by not even trying to contact him. Yes, Jose will just sit back and wait to receive the news that he is the new winner of a shiny Pulitzer Prize, suitable for framing or selling on Ebay. (Note: Jose is not a historian of journalism, but wasn’t Joseph Pulitzer the owner of yellow journalism tabloids that competed with the Hearst papers to see who could go deeper into the gutter? If Jose has that right, is it really appropriate to name journalism’s most prestigious award for him? Isn’t it a little bit like calling the Super Bowl Trophy the "Rich Kotite Trophy," the Stanley Cup the "Jeremy Jacobs Cup," the NBA Championship trophy the "Rick Pitino Trophy," or the World Series trophy, the "Alex Rodriguez Trophy?" Or would it be more like calling MLB’s sportsmanship award the "Alex Rodriguez Award?")

II. On Thursday night, the Melendezette talked Jose into watching an MTV program called "Super Sweet 16 Bash" or something to that effect. This show made Jose feel bad….really, really bad. Normally the sorts of shows that make Jose feel bad are about war torn countries, or crime or the 86 Series, but this time it was a show about a teenager’s birthday party. Why? Because it made Jose sort of hate people, and hate makes Jose sad.

The premise of the show is that they follow around an unbelievably rich, unbelievably spoiled teenager as she plans and hold a grotesque, excessive, unbelievably expensive sweet 16 party. On this episode they followed around a girl from California as she flew to Paris to buy an expensive, slutty dress, whines to her father about how if she doesn’t get a Range Rover as a present, her birthday will be ruined, and selects which four shirtless male college students she will have carry her in on an elegantly upholster lounging couch (Note: Jose has no idea what this piece of furniture is called, but think Emperor Nero) as she makes her entrance to her "Arabian Nights" themed party. (Note: What do these guys say when their friends or families ask how they are making money? "Oh, I’m a shirtless servant to a 16 year old girl?" Jose guesses they lie and say they are something marginally less humiliating like sperm bank technician, gigolo or player for the New York Yankees…well, maybe not player for the Yankees, that’s more humiliating, but you get the point.) In total, the party costs $200,000.

Jose knows people watch these sort of shows for their train wreck quality, and they are undeniably amusing, but Jose just hates the people on them so much that he finds it unsettling. Those sorts of emotions should be reserved for tyrants, thugs and members of a certain choking baseball team.

Jose is a liberal and all these shows make him think is that we should tax the hell out of these people. Actually, Jose would like to see this become part of the Democrats messaging in the next election, or for the reimplementation of the estate tax. Jose would like to see John Kerry, Howard Dean or whoever get up there and say, "The difference between the Republicans and me is that I believe Paris Hilton should pay a lot more taxes, they believe she’s earned it." Now, you fans of the Paris Hilton tape make argue that she did earn it, but Jose will gladly let the Republicans adopt a firm stance in favor of amateur pornography.

But look, Jose is going on about these despicable brats as if they are KEYS worthy…if it wasn’t the Super Bowl, they’d never make the cut. Enough.

III. Jose just saw the anti-rioting "celebrate responsibly" ad featuring Theo Epstein, and The Honorable Thomas M. Menino urging Bostonians to "celebrate responsibly." Jose would also like to urge you to celebrate responsibly, but he wants to be really clear on what that actually means.

1. When setting cars alight, consider using electric tea lights rather than gasoline.
2. Always drink responsibly. If you are going to make screwdrivers, use Rubinoff, not the good vodka.
3. Most riots are in college neighborhoods. If you are a college student, consider dropping out.
4. If the police start shooting into the crowd try to duck. (Note: Being serious for a moment, we should never forget that Victoria Snellgrove died because a police officer shot her with a weapon he was not trained to use. Jose is generally pro-police, but rioters did not cause that death, bad BPD policies did, and that really does make Jose sad.)
5. If you insist on rioting, have some consideration for your neighbors. Make it a Quiet Riot.
6. Stay away from Jose’s house.
7. Remember that rioting is a function of "mob mentality." Avoid watching Godfather, Goodfellas or the Sopranos for the next two days; they might give you mob mentality.
8. Colleges have vowed to expel rioting students. If you are failing out anyway, carefully evaluate which news would upset your parents more – the news that you failed out of school or the news that you were expelled – then make a responsible decision.
9. If confused by what "celebrating responsibly really means" consider consulting the "Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996." As best Jose recalls from the thesis he wrote on it, it defines being responsible as not being on welfare, so Jose urges you not to celebrate a Patriots win or mourn a Patriots loss by going on Transitional Aid to Needy Families.
10. Listening to the song "Celebrate Good Times" is never responsible. NEVER.

I'm Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

1 comment:

Friends of Hudson said...

Jose, it's your editor here again.

1. The "elegantly upholster [sic] lounging couch" could be a divan -- or, more Neronically, a litter.

(Note: This is not to be confused with Fresh Step, Feline Pine, Johnny Cat, or any other pet-care product; though if said litter were bearing Cleopatra, and if the Queen of the Nile were accompanied by one of her customary jet-black pussies, some tasteful arrangement might need to be made for the other kind after all.)

2. Jose's editor has been re-reading Jose's paperback CafePress tome, which remains a far less snoozy (if also far less hardcovered) blow-by-blow of the 2004 season. You know, the boring one -- by Steven King and his much less famous friend, whose name has a simultaneously Irish and masturbatory ring to it.

Anyway, a number of times in the course of the season/book you make reference to various persons traveling back in time to alter past events, with the aim of altering the future. The stock pop cultural reference here is the Terminator, which is both unimpeachable and also a bit predictable. Your helpful editor has another suggestion: namely, the early-90s cinema bomb TimeCop.

Anyone who had the misfortune to pay hard cash to see TimeCop was at least rewarded with a not-worthless condolence prize... namely, that whenever TimeCop is mentioned, one can rely on hilarity to ensue, at least among other TimeCop theater victims. Your editor therefore recommends referencing TimeCop whenever discussing time-travel, and indeed whenever possible. TimeCop. TIMECOP.

(Note: In general, your editor does his best not to meddle in Jose's creative process, preferring to stick to adjusting his mechanics [tm DLowe the late P. A.]. But he didn't want Jose to think his editor had nothing on his mind except picayune copyediting stuff like the lack of a comma after your first mention of Belicheck.)

3. Keep up the good work.