It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. The mainstream media would like you to believe that tonight is the rekindling of the ancient rivalry, that swords will clash, cannon will sound and the battle will be rejoined. Indeed, the very Earth will tremble beneath the terrible conflict. Nope…not today, maybe tomorrow.
This game, which would be largely meaningless under any circumstances, has been rendered even more largely meaningless by the Yankees cowardly decision to send most of their stars to another game. Thus, the only major event occurring tonight is that Tony Castrati will write the first chapter his new book about the 2005 Red Sox and Yankees. The book, a sequel to A Tale of Two Cities, his story of the 2004 rivalry, will be called David Copperfield. While the name may not make any sense now, except for the fact that it is also a rip off of a Charles Dickens classic, it will make far more sense when the Yankees sign the magician mid-year in an effort to restore “mystique” and “aura” to the deteriorating franchise. Sadly for New Yorkers, even the great illusionist cannot make Jason Giambi disappear.
2. Last week the People’s Republic of China again vowed never to allow Taiwanese independence. How opposed are Chinese party leaders to the freedom of Taiwan? So opposed that they have vowed to invade if Taiwanese pitcher Chien-Ming Wang (note: tonight’s Yankee starter) ever files for free agency. Set’s a bad precedent they say.
When reached for comment Chinese officials said, “We have always opposed the imperialist free agency system. We will conduct our own internal affairs according to the patriotic reserve clause and will keep Taiwan forever or until such time as we are prepared to trade it…possibly to Japan for Kyushu and an island to be named later.”
3. Has anyone else noticed that this spring training has been a little weird? So far we’ve had a no hitter and a triple play -- not exactly every day events. As any extremely, extremely superstitious person knows, these sorts of things happen in threes, so what is the next improbable event to occur during spring training?
Jose was going to write alien abduction, but apparently, those happen all the time in Florida, and he’s pretty sure that Manny spends a lot of time in outer space already. Then he was going to suggest that it might be a Bigfoot sighting, but apparently the giant pseudo-ape doesn’t like the Florida heat. So what are we left with? As best Jose can tell the third improbable event will be either Curt Euro answering a question “no comment,” Kevin Millar going in to a bar and ordering an O’Douls or Denney Tomori pitching a perfect inning. Jose’s putting his money on the near beer.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.