Tuesday, February 20

Better Late...

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE TO SPRING TRAINING,

1. Manny is late. Well, not yet, but he will be. We know because Julienned Tavarez told us so, and why would he lie to us? And as usual people are going to make a big deal about it. Jose, however, will not be one of them. You know why? Because being late just isn’t that big a deal—unless you’re Bridget Moynahan. (Note: Zing!)

Since Manny’s late arrival and the former Tom Brady gal pal’s late period are the two biggest sports stories of the day, Jose thought he would explain all of the reasons why the tardy sloughing of Bridget’s uterus (note: due to impregnation) is a far more serious story.

  • Manny didn’t wait three months to tell anyone he was late.
  • These nine missed periods will change Bridget and Brady’s life, Manny’s lateness won’t change a thing.
  • Brady actual broke up with Bridget. Manny despite his best efforts is still with the Red Sox.
  • No one has characterized Moynahan having her ex’s baby as “Just Bridget being Bridget.”
  • Manny’s tardiness is unlikely to have an adverse impact on a future bid for Senate.
  • No one is suggesting that Manny’s lateness is a result of “skipping pills.”
  • No one has blamed Bridget’s lateness on her mom having surgery.
  • Dan Shaughnessy regards being a day late for camp as a far graver sin than having a child out of wedlock.

See. Now is Manny being late really such a big deal? No. It’s not like he’s contributing to the breakdown of the family and ultimate collapse of western civilization like some other people we could mention.

2. Other major Red Sox spring training news comes not from Fort Myers, but from the Indians camp, wherever the hell that is, as former Red Sox closer Keith Foulke took a break from watching Canadian junior league hockey to announce his retirement. The news came as elbow pain replaced knee pain and back pain at the top of Foulke’s “reason’s I’m pitching like sh*t” list.

Jose is not prone to weepy goodbyes, but in Foulke’s case, he will make an exception. Foulke’s overwhelming workload, and his overwhelming brilliance in the 2004 post season is, with the possible exception of David Ortiz’s heroics, the single biggest reason the Red Sox were able to end their 86 year World Series drought. And it may have cost him his career. Sure, we have no evidence that Foulke’s astonishing post season pitch count led to his injury problems, but we do know that he was dominant through the 2004 post season and disasterous thereafter. So let’s give the benefit of the doubt and assume that he sacrificed his body, his career, to save the season.

One of the popular writing tools in the new sports journalism is to compare players to girlfriends, Manny is the dumb blond you keep around because the sex is amazing, Mark Bellhorn is the charming deaf/mute and Roger Clemens (note: as characterized by Bill Simmons) is a cheating, treacherous so and so. So what is Foulke? Given how many members of Red Sox nation saw fit to boo Foulke for his miserable performances even after what he did in 2004, Jose would say Foulke is the girlfriend who jumps in front of pail of hydrochloric acid flung at her boyfriend thus saving him from disfigurement at the cost of her own beauty. He thanks her profusely, and waits on her hand and foot while she’s in the hospital. But then a few months pass, the reconstructive surgery doesn’t go so well, and he gets frustrated that she doesn’t want to have sex because she’s insecure about her appearance. So he starts telling her she’s ugly and a lousy girlfriend who’d rather watch hockey than make love. She responds by saying that she would rather join a convent, then have sex with some Johnny Burger King. And the next thing you know she’s gone off to date some guy in Cleveland who figures the scars will heal with time. But they don’t so she throws herself into the Cuyahoga and burns to death or drowns, whichever comes first.

So does the guy she saved send flowers to her grave? He’d better. Jose doesn’t want to be the guy who doesn’t, and neither should any of you, so let Jose offer the following oratorical funeral wreath.

Thank you Keith Foulke for what you did in 2004, for pitching brilliantly when you had nothing left, for catching Edgar Renteria’s come backer to end the Series and even for giving up that double to Papi in Game 4 of the 2003 ALDS. Also, you were great on that episode of Lost.

3. Over in Tampa, the Yankees training camp seems to be in turmoil as Bernie Williams has declined to show up because he has to compete for a roster spot, general partner Steve Swindal is dealing with the fallout from his DUI, and Alex Rodriquez has addressed his deteriorating relationship with Derek Jeter.

While conceding that his once close relationship with his “blood brother” Jeter was no longer so close, A-Rod offered a deal to reporters. "Let's make a contract,” said the third baseman. “You don't ask me about Derek anymore, and I promise I'll stop lying to all you guys."

Following the comment, Rodriguez’s agent, Scott Boras, told reporters that such a “not lying” contract, would demand compensation of upwards of $25 million per year for the next 10 years.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

4 comments:

Shelly said...

I think that Tek jumping on Foulkie after that last out in 2004 hurt Foulkie's knees. I call that moment "The moment that Tek broke Foulke"

Just my opinion.

Anonymous said...

Because I don't want to leave a one-word comment on the SOSH main board, I'll do it here: Hilarious! I never thought I'd live to see "sloughing of the uterus" and "Manny" in the same sentence. Great job putting Manny's tardiness into perspective.

Anonymous said...

You shuure awwr one fhunny poster..

-DK

Najork said...

Heh, is that an Infinite Jest reference?