Thursday, April 5

Novelty Food

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME

1. You know what Jose loves about having a new star athlete in town? He loves all of the gimmick foods they come up with to leech off of the new guy’s celebrity, the ichi-roll in Seattle, Wade Boggs’ “.352 Bar” candy, Tim’s Pickled Na(Herring) and, of course, the delicious Rico Bolonga. (Note: Jose’s Bologna has a first name, it is R-I-C-O.)

And now you’ve got Mr. Matsu. It’s terrific that some Japanese restaurants have introduced some special Matsuzaka-themed products like Matsuzaka Maki, and the like, but let’s be honest that’s not that imaginative. Naming a sushi roll after a Japanese ball player? How’s that more clever than, say El Pelon Taqueria naming a burrito after Rich Garces or Zaftigs naming a knish after Kevin Youkilis.

Actually, Jose brings up Youks for a reason, in that, Boston’s Jewish community has taken the lead in provide creative ideas on the Matsuzaka-themed food front. Apparently, in honor of the Japanese star’s debut, the Jewish community has not only named a food after him, but plan to incorporate it into their ancient religious rites. The novelty food, a flat, cracker like item, completely without leavening agents is used in the “Passover” ritual, an annual rite that commemorates the great miracle in 1994 when eleven teams “passed over” Nomar Garciaparra for players lie Ben Grieve and Antone Williamson to allow the Red Sox to pick him in the twelfth spot. The cracker used in the commemoration of this Passover honors the Japanese righty by taking the simple, sweet name “Matsu.”

That said, a note to the good people at Manischewitz, you misspelled Daisuke’s name. It’s M-A-T-S-U, not M-A-T-Z-O-H. Still, it’s a solid, creative effort.

2. Great news everyone, Sox skipper Terry Eurona has seen a picture of Mt. Fuji. When asked whether he had any advice for Mr. Matsu on how to dress in the cold weather, Tito replied “They’ve got snow on their mountains, don’t they? There’s got to be some cold weather.” He’s sharp, that Tito.

Later when asked how he expected his team’s many Domincans to manage through the dog days of summer, Tito answered “The tropics are hot!” He also responded questions about Jonathan Paplebon‘s ability to return to the closer job by stating “there was a hurricane in Louisiana” and questions about Jason Varitek’s alma mater Georgia Tech is in a state founded as a debtors prison.

By the way, as long as we’re talking about non-answers to questions. Jose, as a former media professional, would like to offer Tito some advice. You know how Jimy Williams would answer every question “manager’s decision?” Jose would like to see Tito adopt his own avoid all phrase. Jose’s thought is that Eurona should rip off those guys who put the Cartoon Network LED’s all over Boston, and answer every annoying question “I’m sorry, that’s not a hair related question.” This is great because a) Tito is bald b) there’s lots of wacky hair on the Red Sox and c) it could potential force Dan Shaughnessy to address his nappy ‘fro. An equally good evasive answer would be “I'm not here to talk about the past. I'm here to be positive about this subject.”

Do you think Curt struggled becasuse he's been blogging too much?

Sorry, sir, but that's not a hair-related question.

3. Which do you think is getting bigger press coverage in Japan, Daisuke Matsuzaka’s Major League debut this week or the induction of the legendary Mr. Fuji into the WWF Hall of Fame? Also, since Mr. Matsu has any number of crafty and duplicitous pitches, would it be alright to steal Mr. Fuji’s nickname “The Devious One” and apply it to him or would that be racist? Jose thinks it would be fine, because the Pearl Harbor driven stereotype of Japanese as sneaky really went out with the invention of the Toyota. It would really only be racist if Jose started calling him “The Mathematically Gifted One.”

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


The Fabulous Galdstoner said...

You are my hero. This blog is incredible.

Rachel said...

Speaking of themed foods and Youk, have you tried Youk's hot sauce yet? I have a bottle of it sitting here, but have not yet opened it, its just too pretty! Hopefully it will be just as good as Big Papi's Salsa.

Jose Melendez said...

Wait? Youks has hot sauce? But he's a Jew. That makes no sense. What's next Manny Ramirez's microwave corned beef and cabbage?

That's crazy.

Pasta said...

Um, Jose, Dice isn't Chinese.