Thursday, August 30

Jose Fogets to Drop Off the Dry Cleaning

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Okay, today’s game means something now. Are you happy?

After being completely indifferent to the first two games of the series, Jose has now decided that this third game is actually important. Now mind you it isn’t really important or consequential, not in the sense that remembering to pay your taxes or not to drink drain cleaner is important— no matter what happens today the Red Sox are going to win the A.L East. Rather, it is important in the same way that remembering to take clothes to the dry cleaners is important. If the Red Sox win today, we will all have utter peace of mind, nothing to worry about and no distractions, whereas if they lose we will all metaphorically be a little anxious about what to wear tomorrow. Do those pants have a stain on them? Do we have an ironed shirt? That sort of thing. But regardless of the many small inconvenient details we will be forced to deal with, we still know with certainty that while dealing with the lack of fresh dry cleaning may be stressful and agitating, we will not be forced to show up to work naked.

2. According to the New York Post, Major League Disciplinarian Bob Watson (note: aka the MLB Vice Principal) came into the dugout last night to warn Sox manager Terry Eurona that wearing his trademark red pullover was a violation of the uniform code and that he should put on a jersey forthwith. Eurona firmly told Watson to leave the dugout during the game. The way Jose sees it there are a few separate problems here.


A. Tito wears the comfy red fleece because he is always cold due to circulation problems stemming from the blood thinners he takes to combat blood clots. If they don’t let him treat his condition, there’s got to be an Americans with Disabilities Act case in here somewhere.

B. Bob Watson’s past edicts on dress code have been questionable at best. Let’s look at the history:
  • 923: Bob Watson invents the Burqa and demands that all women cover themselves under God’s law.
  • 1542: A young Bob Watson introduces pants as the fashion standard for men. The world’s men will never be as comfortable again.
  • 1776: Bob Watson insist that the British Army where lobster red uniforms to battle upstart colonists. “You want them to see that you’re coming,” he explained.
  • 1952: Watson advises schizophrenics that tinfoil hats are the best way to keep the government out of their brains.
  • 2003: Watson orders Demi Moore to wear bicycle shorts to the Oscars. “Dresses are for prostitutes and drag queens,” insisted the rotund fashionista.


C. If one looks at several pictures of Bob Watson, one starts to wonder if he is really the guy who should be issuing sartorial edicts. Paisley ties? In this day and age? And Jose sees some evidence here that the man doesn’t even tie his ties long enough.

Would you take fashion advice from this man?

Look, Jose is not saying that Bob Watson is a bad man. He is just saying that allowing him to rule fashion by fiat is like giving Julian Tavarez a television therapist program or making Grady Little the host of Jeopardy It’s just not something he has the skills for.


3. And now a little self-promotion. In the four years Jose has been writing this blog a fair number of really neat things have happened to him. He’s appeared on ESPN.com; he’s been insulted by Bill Simmons and he has even, inexplicably appeared in the acknowledgements of a book about the New York Times. But nothing tops what has happened this week.

In a column called
“Cyberloafing” on the Web site of The PostStar, a reporter named Todd Kehoe wrote a nifty little review of KEYS that offered such splendid tidbits as

Tossing out historical references, political jokes and
sometimes raunchy humor, Melendez crafts his own story behind the story. In a discussion of the Red Sox’s recent poor form, with the Yankees looming right behind them, he invokes Tsar Lazar, Newtonian laws and George Santayana ... in two paragraphs.


Nice right?


But it’s not the kind words from a writer who, while clearly talented, Jose has never heard of, that excite him. Rather, it is the fact that this appeared on the Web site in Glens Falls, New York, which means that it is possible, just possible that the greatest citizen of Glens Falls in history might have read the review. No, Jose is not speaking of former Chief Justice Charles Evans Hughes nor hockey commentator Barry Melrose, nor even that b*tch Rachel Ray. No, Jose’s heart is aflutter at the possibility, just the possibility, that the great “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan might have read the review.

For those of you who are ignorant, “Hacksaw” Duggan is a wrestling legend known for hitting people with a 2X4 and yelling “Hooooooooooooooo.” Yes, he is as great a man as he sounds like. And Jose is honored by the chance, however slim that Duggan has taken even one moment from his brilliant life to read about Jose. This is, of course, assuming he can read.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tsar Lazar, Newtonian laws, George Santayana and Hacksaw Jim Duggan. That's some serious range.

Anonymous said...

Can't you throw a 3. in there somewhere before the Jim Duggan stuff just to keep world order intact?

Jose Melendez said...

Done. Numbers are great

City of Rosie Palms (Lurker) said...

With a pitcher named Liz on the mound tonight I expect the obligatory reference to Ms. Elizabeth.