Wednesday, August 8

Tuck(ered) Out

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Thanks to the new warrantless wiretapping law, Jose, with his Bush Administration connections, was able to tap the bullpen phone two nights ago and listen to the conversation between Manager Terry Eurona and bullpen coach Gary Tuck. See if you can spot the terror threat in the following exchange.

Tuck: (In a falsetto) Hello, bullpen, how may I direct your call.

Tito: God damn it Tuck, I know it’s you, will you stop doing that.

Tuck: Mr. Tuck has stepped away from his desk for a moment. If it is I can try to find him.

Tito: We need to get a pitcher warming.

Tuck: One moment, let me put you on hold while I look (starts humming The Girl from Ipanema.) Thank you for your patience I’ll transfer you now.


Voice Mail: Hi you’ve reached Kyle Snyder’s line, I’ve stepped away for a moment but if you leave a message, I’ll return your call as soon as possible.

(Tito slams the phone down in aggravation, then picks it up again)

Tuck: (In a falsetto) Hello, bullpen, how may I direct your call.

Tito: TUCK!

Tuck: One moment please… (then in a normal voice) Hello, Tuck here.

Tito: What the hell are you doing Tuck?

Tuck: Sorry about the new girl, she’s just figuring out the phones. We shouldn’t have sent down Lopez, he could really work a switchboard. Great phone voice too.

Tito: Curt’s hurting here, we need to get someone up.

Tuck: Sure. We’re a little backed up this inning. So let’s look at the schedule. Can you be available between the 8th and 9th? I should be able to send a reliever out somewhere in that window.

Tito: You’re the bullpen coach. Get someone up NOW!

Tuck: Sir, yelling isn’t going to help. I have a lot of other customers ahead of you in line.


Tuck: I see… Okay, what’s your order.

Tito: We’re only down one, get up Gagne.

Tuck: I’m sorry, Gagne’s not available right now. I could get him to you tomorrow.

Tito: Then Okajima.

Tuck: You could do that, but let me tell you from experience, that’s not what you want to do here. Yeah, he’s high quality, but it’s not the right fit.

Tito: Papelbon then?

Tuck: I can put Papelbon on back order and have him to you by the ninth. Would that work, maybe the eighth if we really push it. But the 7th? No way, can’t be done.

Tito: (sighs) I can’t leave Curt in. If I do, the lead is going to blow up in a hurry. What can you get me now?

Tuck: I can get you Julian Tavarez. He’s not fancy, but solid, workmanlike, should do the job, and I can get him to you fast. Either that or Kyle Snyder.

Tito: Snyder’s not there, I got his voicemail.

Tuck: Then let’s go with Tavarez, I’ll get him loose, and you’ll have him in no time.

Tito: Great.

Tuck: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Tito: Uh no… I guess I’m good.

Tuck: Then thank you for using Bullpen Express for all of your relief needs.

Tito: You’re fired.

Did you spot the terror threat? It’s subtle, but Tito threatened to “blow up” things if he did not get his way. Thank God we have a transcript

2. In all of the hullabaloo about whether Barry Bonds did or did not use steroids on his march to 756 (note: he did), there are equally important issues that have gone completely unaddressed. Not he least of these is the critical question of why Barry Bonds hates America.

This is the nation of his birth, the nation that gave him opportunity and made him a wealthy man, and how does he repay us? His spits on us (note: metaphorically).

For much of his march towards Aaron’s record and last night when he left it splintered like so many slivers of ash after a Papelbon fastball, Bonds was using… get ready… a Canadian bat.

That’s right. Rather than supporting the U.S. economy and creating American jobs, he exports and outsources, bat construction to foreigners, who care not for us and our way of life, foreigners whose customs and tongue, who’s creed and dress are perplexing to the average American who has cheered Bonds through his career.

Rather than taking his pick from the white ash forests of Maine, he betrays us, selecting harder wood from the Canadian Maple or as Jose calls it “the treachery tree.”

And do you know what they are doing to the north? They are laughing at us! They are laughing! Jose has not done any checking, but he has no doubt that the Canadians are jubilantly talking about how “American slugger Barry Bonds with his Canadian made bat broke the home run record.” This is what they do, these Canadians. David Rakoff, a Canadian writer, win an appearance on This American Life claimed that the space shuttle, our space shuttle, is referred to in Canada as the American Space Shuttle with its Canadian arm,” as its mechanical arm is of Canadian stock.

This is no different. Like NASA, Bonds has allowed himself to be a tool of the pernicious, pervasive and unrelenting Canadian cultural imperialism that is slowly, slowly eating away at the fabric of American life like so many beetles chomping on the white ash of New York state.

For shame.

3. In a final note on the Bonds saga, his 756th home run came off Washington’s Mike Bacsik, whose father once faced Hank Aaron when Aaron was looking, unsuccessfully for his 756th home run. Whatever you think of him, you’ve got to give Bonds credit. Hitting a home run off of a giant snake who’s look can kill you has got to be tricky.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Renegaducator said...

As one of the August 2 nitpickers, your errata section was precisely the kind of reply for which I was hoping. (Notice the absence of a dangling participle: once I dangled my participle and had it cut off). At any rate, my own comments were made to add to the hilarity, and I hope Jose wasn't offended.
Speaking of words and grammar, have you noticed that "Gagne" is a form of the French verb "gagner", meaning "to win"? I think this can only mean great things for the Red Sox...or not...

Anonymous said...

Aaaah, "Bacsik" and "basilisk". Got it. Maybe a bit of a stretch, but that's what I appreciate about Jose.