1. Jose read last night that ESPN had decided not to allow Bill Simmons to interview Barack Obama on his podcast because ESPN doesn’t do politics. What a shame. This probably means we won’t see Hilary Clinton on the Budweiser Hot Seat (note: owned by Cindy McCain) either.
This is terrible as it means we will have no way to learn how 90210 influenced Obama’s position on the estate tax or whether he would consider sending Rocky to fight Al Qaeda’s top boxer in the caves of Afghanistan. (Note: Jose doesn’t know how much 90210 would influence anyone’s position on the estate tax, but certainly The Simple Life should.)
So to make matters right, Jose though he would extend a formal invitation to Sen. Obama to be interviewed right here on KEYS TO THE GAME.
Obama should accept for the following reasons:
- It will help him with the critical Hispanic vote, provided no one realizes that Jose is actually a Japanese-German Jew.
- Because Jose is an Obama partisan, he can be counted on to not ask tough questions about lapel pins and people he may have once sat 30 rows away from at a White Sox game.
If Sen. Obama accepts the invitation, Jose would like to be prepared so he has tried to come up with some good questions. He encourages you to send additional ideas.
- You are a fan of the Chicago White Sox, a team that 80 years ago included members who did business with organized crime as part of a plot to throw the World Series. Do you renounce and disavow them?
- You have stated that you would be willing to meet with the leaders of Iran if elected. Does this include the Iron Sheik, who once said, and Jose quotes “Amereeka? Ha Ptut”?
- In what ways does the “surge” in Iraq resemble Grady Little’s decision to leave Pedro in?
Which baseball player are you the most like a) Derek Jeter (multiracial) b) Benny Agbayani (Hawaiian) or c) Bruce Chen (confusingly Chinese but Panamanian?
- Which team does your opponent, Sen. Clinton most resemble a) The 2004 Yankees (looked like a lock but then completely choked) b) the 1996 Red Sox (off to a terrible start, but then coming very close to taking the division with the help of gritty white “dirt dogs” like Darren Bragg c) the 1919 Cincinnati Reds (winning because of massive corruption on the South Side of Chicago or d) the 2006 Washington Nationals (Not very good and secretly born in Canada.)
2. Jose supposes that he is now obliged to mention that the Red Sox are playing the Yankees and whatnot but as Bartelby the Scrivener would say, he would prefer not to. To be honest, Jose is starting to think that the pundits are right and the Red Sox-Sox Yankees rivalry is really tired and overplayed.
Think about it. The rivalry was fun but after the Red Sox won the World Series, it was like, who even cares any more? It’s like when you’re looking to have sex for the first time. You keep wanting it and wanting it and then once you finally have sex, and you’re like “Okay that’s done, I never need to do that again,” which is why the human population is dwindling at an alarming rate.
Let Jose give you another example. You now how sometimes you find a $20 bill just sitting there on the sidewalk? It’s pretty great right? But now imagine that you found another $20, you probably wouldn’t even want to pick it up; you’d be so bored with the whole thing. Maybe you’d pick up a five for novelty, or even a penny (note: The Devil Rays of American currency) but a 20? No way.
That’s why Jose isn’t even going to watch the game tonight. Nope, tonight Jose is going to go to a show. He will save his TV watching for when the Red Sox are playing a fresh and exciting team like the Baltimore Orioles thank you very much.
3. One of the big political stories in the last few weeks has been Barack Obama’s gaffe at a San Francisco fund raiser when he suggested that many small town Americans are “bitter.” Hilary Clinton, in an ever more desperate effort to remain in the race, has latched on to the issue as she campaigns in Pennsylvania, going so far as to hand out stickers to people attending her campaign events reading “I’m not bitter.”
Ummm… Jose hates to be the one to raise the issue, but… has she ever been to Philadelphia or any of the towns that fall within the Phillies/Sixers/Eagles/Flyers catchment area? The people of Philadelphia and environs are pretty much the bitterest people on Earth, way more bitter than oppressed Tibetans. Ed Rendell, the Governor of Pennsylvania and former Mayor of Philadelphia was once photographed throwing snowballs onto the field at an Eagles game. That’s bitter.
When she forces Philadelphians to wear “I’m not bitter stickers” she is making liars out of every single one of them. It’s like forcing citizens of China to wear a sticker saying “I’m not Chinese” or members of the 2004 Yankees to wear a sticker saying “I’m not a choker.”
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.