1. When Jose switched on sports radio this morning, the primary topic of discussion was whether it had been appropriate for Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland to ask Oklahoma State wide receiver Dez Bryant, eventually drafted by the Dallas Cowboys, whether his mother was or had been a prostitute. Now, this particular host, maybe it was Colin Cowherd, was arguing Ireland had every right to ask the question, as there was huge money at stake, but Jose thinks that’s utter nonsense. Jose doesn’t want to live in a country where someone can be denied a job just because his mother is a whore. That’s like saying Debbie Clemens shouldn’t be able to sell weird sequined pillows on the Internet just because her husband is a statutory rapist.
But now that the proverbial can of cats had been opened out of the bag of worms, it seems like perhaps it’s fair game to ask anyone affiliated with professional sports anything. Here are the questions Jose would really like to ask.
To Derek Jeter: Who did you get herpes from? Who did you give it to? (Note: This is not to stigmatize those with herpes, which is really not big a deal, according to an infectious disease specialist who yelled at Jose the last time he made fun of Jeter’s herpes. Jose just thinks that if Jeter was spreading herpes simplex around, it may be indicative of bad judgment that could harm his play as he ages.)
To Manny Ramirez: What city to the Los Angeles Dodgers play in?
To Pedro Martinez: Now that Sandra Bullock is single, will you pursue your life’s ambition of
To Mike Lowell: When Adrian Beltre took a liner in the groin and had one testicle swell up to the size of a grapefruit, did you consider asking him for half?
To Adrian Beltre: You really don’t wear a cup? Are you out of your mind?
To Kevin Youkilis: Why is this night different from all other nights?
To DJ Dru: When you think about your swing, does it excite you sexually?
To Theo Epstein: Does DJ Dru’s swing excite you sexually?
To Allan Embree: Are you aware of data linking chewing tobacco to mouth cancer?
To C.C. Sabathia: Would you like another doughnut?
To Bill Hall: You suck.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.