It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. For three long years Jose has been in exile. Whether one spends it in the warm heart of Africa or the steamy thigh of the American South, exile is awful. No place is Boston but Boston. The worst part of loneliness is being alone. And starting today, the fourth year of exile begins, this year from our nation's capital, from the arrogant id of our national consciousness. There will be baseball played in Boston this year—good baseball—and once again Jose will not be there to see it, to smell it, to savor it, and possibly, just possibly to throw up in it.
Dear Jose,First off, let me say that I know I’ve been distant and kind of an asshole this semester. I’m sorry; I’ve had a lot of things going on.I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve come to the difficult realization that I am wicked in love with you. I think I’ve picked up something from you to, and it’s time one of us is man enough to admit it.Sorry to do this by email… but I don’t think I could get it out in person…
Jared,Not really sure what to make of this. Jose is 100% straight, so this is never going to happen, but Jose doesn’t see any reason why we can’t still be friends if you can handle it.”Jose
Over the course of the morning, Jose told friends the story of his humiliation as he attempted to identify the perpetrator. One friend he called with vengeance in his heart responded, “I didn’t do it, but I wish I had. You know who that sounds like? Martha.”
Of course! Martha was a theatrical classmate of Jose’s who took comedy seriously. The previous year for April fools she had told her best friends that she was pregnant and didn’t know who the father was. Try doing that Chris Rock!
Jose waited for her inevitable taunting phone call, and he plotted. He seethed.
It came at 3PM, just minutes before he had a job interview.
“Hi Jose!” came her saccharine voice.
“Hey Martha” Jose responded coolly.
“How’s it going?”
“Lot of weird stuff going on,” Jose set the trap. “It’s chaotic here, and Jose got some really weird emails.”
“What kind of emails?”
“Ah Jose doesn’t want to talk about it,”
“Ooohhh…. Okay, well if you need to talk, you know you can trust me.”
“Well, Jose got this really strange email from Jared saying… well, saying that he’s”
“APRIL FOOLS!” she shrieked. “APRIL FOOLS!!!! I GOT YOU SO BAD!”
“Oh… Martha… you shouldn’t have done that,” Jose muttered.
“Whatever,” she responded. “I burned you.”
“You really, really shouldn’t have done that.”
“Yeah right, Jared’s not gay.”
“ Jose isn’t saying he is, but… well… you struck some kind of nerve. He’s really freaking out… and… well… Jose doesn’t know what’s going on, but this is going to take a long time to fix.”
“But… but it was just an April Fool’s joke,” she stammered. “I didn’t mean—“
“Well you did,” Jose snapped back.
“God, it was just supposed to be an April Fool’s joke. I didn’t think that—”
“APRIL FOOLS!!!” Jose snapped back. “You got Jose and Jose got you back.”
The lesson for the Red Sox here is, of course, as always, that revenge is immensely satisfying. And we have a lot of revenge to take this year.
Manny and Damon? Definitely need revenge.
The rest of that Tampa team? 2008 ALCS—revenge required.
The Angels? 2009 ALDS—you know what would help with that? Some vengeance.
The Yankees? They exist. That’s as good a reason for revenge as any.
So learn the lesson well men of Boston, and have a vengeful, vengeful New Year!!!